Ketchup

Lately it seems the only thing I can get Zara to actually eat is ketchup. Yes, it's disgusting. Yes, I feel like a pretty bad mom letting her consume it. But after an hour of desperately trying to get her to eat the accompanying eggs, french fries etc., which ends in tears and frustrating (on all fronts really), I give in, and hope that the next meal, or a snack will actually get eaten, and it normally does. I guess what feels so incredibly weird about the ketchup phenomenon is that she USED to eat. A lot. She was never motivated by food, but I knew I could expect her to eat something during each of the three meals. But all of a sudden she has decided not to eat during her mealtimes. Don't get me wrong, she eats, and she is healthy and all the regular signs of normality are there, but she just rejects most food until we eat, and so I've decided to offer food as I normally does, but if she doesn't act like she is going to pick at it, I put it back in the fridge until later when I eat, or when she asks. I put out snacks, but she's obviously going through some type of shift. As for ketchup, I'll put it next to her plate (when the meal calls for it), but if she finishes it and asks for more, I no longer replenish it until she has eaten what is on her plate. Does that make me a mean mom? Maybe. But even the most natural and 'healthy' ketchups are still just a condiment, not a meal.

SAHM

So now that I've become a SATM again I find myself exhausted, overworked and underpaid. And I have to say, I absolutely love it. It's weitd when you spend your adult life going, what should I be doing, feeling sort of lost and unsure of every career choice you make and then BAM, you know why you exist. I'm not saying that I find changing diapers my life-changing end all be all career. But I do love seeing my daughter everyday. Teaching her things and raising her to be, well, like me. It's inspiring when I see her get something, or to find out how much she loves art and to show her museums, and help her find new ways to be creative.

This time has also really given me the chance to figure out, what it is I actually want to be doing. I'm writing again, and feeling like a person instead of a automatron. I'm also starting to get some of my old habits that I didn't realize I missed, like making menus and cooking. I'm trying to do at least one creative thing with Z a day in order to keep both of our minds flowing. A couple of days ago we made shamrock cookies from scratch, yesterday we made smoothies. Today? Who knows! The possibilities are endless. Anyway, I guess more on this later, I'm hoping to post on this a little more regularly, as well as make this a little more focused (and maybe funny, we'll see if my humor actually comes out).

Last Day Looming

Today is my last day at work. Everyone is asking me how I feel and to be honest, I feel...bored. I'm putting in the time, but have handed over all of my work with my very last project meeting yesterday. So today I have...nothing to do. And you really wouldn't think it were so, but there's only so much web crawling you can do before you can't think of anything else to search for (or are just tired of looking at screen).

This evening I'll celebrate. We're going to pop some champagne and I may even make a quiche...maybe.

I've even planned out what Zara and I will do next week, and you can bet your bottom dollar it involves field trips! Art! Music! Making messes and playing in dirt. I'm so excited.

Stay tuned for more on my foray into my next career, I think I have a brilliant plan.

I Quit!

After 7 months of self-abuse I have quit my job. I'm elated, I'm freaking out, I'm totally unsure as to what this means next.

I spent most of my working career doing some form of IT project management (except for this last job, which I marketed myself as such, but was not taken onboard to do such...) but went back to school to do something completely different. So why did I fall back into this career, that I didn't really like before I went to school? (I mean I liked the money, I liked the power, I did live SOME aspects of it, the ins and outs of getting a project out the door, seeing a really fantastic functional specification (sigh)) but those things weren't enough, and I went back, initially to get a MSc in Anthropology, focusing on audience identity in a museum setting and its relation to education. I then went back to get a PhD, which I didn't finish, for many reasons (and my horrible sentence structure is NOT one of them).

So now I've quit my job, and I'm at a crossroads. What next?

We've decided to take our child out of daycare so that I can take a more interactive role in her life other than getting her dressed in the morning and putting her to bed when I get home, showing her things about art, music, science and history before she has to go off to traditional education (I guess she never REALLY has to do that..but she does...really).  So I'll be doing that, and also taking steps to do the next part of my life. To really figure out what is best for me, for my family and for my career.

I've thought for many years about teaching. Will I be good at it? At what level? I've never pursued it because frankly, it didn't pay enough. And I grew up in a household that always thought if you can't do...you teach. But, I'm second guessing that. I've lived in the world of those 'that do' instead of teaching. And let me tell you, there are plenty of idiots who think they do...but don't. I'm tired of being a follower who 'acts' as a leader. I'd like to try to actually be a leader. To do something for others, and to lead, to actually lead instead of follow. So maybe I should be teaching. It will allow me to try something new, to eventually complete my PhD.

PS-Zara's hungry is alive and well. Zara's Brew came out this Christmas (to family members only). What's next? Well look for more at farmers markets...near me...

Getting Started

I've always told myself that I was going to start something like this, something that I could take ownership of, and be proud of. But let's face it. I'm lazy. And there's A LOT of social media out there to keep on top of. And I have a full time job. And a full time kid. Whew. I'm tired just thinking about it.

Despite this, lately I've been feeling like my life has been missing that something. Yes, there have been a lot of changes, having a baby, moving back across the pond, taking up a new job outside of my comfort zone, moving to a new 'city' that sucks, sleeping in the living room, not really having friends. As you can see, the list can go on and on. But I talked to a friend today, one that I've been meaning to talk to for awhile. Who I respect and miss immensely. She said 'sometimes you make sucky decisions, and you just have to stick by them, for at least a little bit, because really, you can't go back in time. Back to the Future isn't real. She's right. If it was, I think Michael J. Fox would have picked a more awesome disease, don't you? Actually, that's pretty horrible (but true right??)

Anyway I'm trying something new. Something I've been wanting to try. So I'm going to write about it. And you, my audience of no one. Is going to judge me. What is this new thing? Well, it's a food business. It doesn't really exist outside of my head and a couple of trial runs. But this is the space to write about it, and mouth vomit everything else. Take it or leave it. Zara's Hungry is born.